The Angry Ox: Weird: Answering Machine Messages
This is ALL of the messages we have. Wheee!
"Agent Zulu. <pause> Who? <pause> What are you doing calling the RED line? This is unauthorized! You will be reported to the FBI, CIA, USSS, and your mother! Leave your message and phone number after the tone - we already know your name." beeeeeep

Works best if you live in or around Washington DC.

"E'llo, this is the Spanish Inquisition and since no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, don't expect us to call you back...or we might not."
"E'llo."
"My name is Inigo Montonya."
"You killed my father."
"Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."
-BEEP-
"fuck me after the tone" BEEEP
"Hello youve reached Ben Savage.Ben Savage isnt home right now but Ben Savage would be happy to return your call.Ben Savage thanks you."
"Hello. I have gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here. But for now, leave a message. The when I get back from wherever I am, I'll make sure to have myself call you back."
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
"Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."
"Hello. You have reached the Pay Off John Doe's Student Loans Hotline. Please leave your name, number, and level of support at the tone. For a regular membership of thirty-five dollars, you will receive our monthly Guide to John Doe, covering all John Doe events. For a supporting membership of sixty dollars, you can choose one of our lovely thank-you gifts, including a John Doe tote bag, a John Doe tee-shirt, or a John Doe mug. Thank you for your generosity." beeeeeep
"Hello? <pause> Hello? Sorry, this is the refridgerator. The answering machine died sometime last week from what IT called a surge. Ha! I take those ALL the time! You don't see ME dying, do ya? Well, it's dead, so I got stuck taking messages. Please SLOWLY speak and spell your name, and include your phone number after the tone so I can write it down on a piece of paper and stick it to myself. Ready?" beeeeeep


Editors Note: Any large appliance will do, but the 'fridge works best.

"Hello?"
[pause for a few seconds]
"Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
"Hello?" -BEEP-
This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
"Hey, this is name. My phone isn't speaking to me. Seems it's ticked off at me for using it. Typical female. Whatever. Well, it won't connect your call, but I managed to get this machine to do it. IT's not as STUCK UP as my phone is. (to phone) THHHHHHBT! Well, leave a message, and if my phone gives up it's ATTITUDE I might be able to call you back.
beeeeeep
"Hey, this is Ginny's answering machine, she made me take these stupid messages for her while shes out partying, and gettin laid. so you know what to do after the beep, so do what you wanna do, and if Ginny chooses to call you back then your onr lucky son of a bitch!!!
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hi, I'm obviously not home right now or I'm just ignoring someone that I don't like, leave me a message and if I don't call back it's you."
"Hi, this is Bill Gates. I have just written a phone number tracing program that taps any phone number left on this answering machine. But I am experimenting with this and I need your help. Please leave your name and both daytime and evening phone number after the beep. If you really want to help, leave your beeper and cell phone number as well. I will capture all the phone numbers of your friends and family that you dial, and store them in my database. When I have 1000 people in my database, I will send everyone on the list $1000 at my expense. Enjoy! beeeeeep
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call".
"Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep. "
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one."
"I'm Morley Safer."
"I'm Harry Reasoner."
"I'm ........
"And I'm" -the guy whose answering machine it was-
"We're not home; leave a message."

He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded very funny.
"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a busy signal."
"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer."
"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."
"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a mo- ment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
"This is David. Talk."
"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."
"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent."
"You have reached the <city>, <state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."
"You have reached the Washington Monument. At this time, we are arresting a small band of Lake Minnetowanka Aboriginies for cutting in line. Please leave a detailed message after the tone, and our Customer Service Representative, <your first name here>, will return your call at <his/her> soonest convenience. Thank you."beeeeeep

Editors Note: You can replace the 'Washington Monument' with any local/national monument that you want. For best results, use a monument that no one would think that a phone would exist, like the Statue of Liberty or Mount Olympus.

"You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS."
"You know what to do at the tone." -BEEP-
(1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)" 127

(2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?"
(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.
(a paranoid person) who is this? is this the government? have they really sent james bond after me? please dont do this, im innocent! i did nothing wrong! all i said was that NASA would assassinate the president of cuba with a trowl... please leave me alone...
(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.
(an extremely paranoid person) who is this? is this the government? have they really sent james bond after me? please dont do this, im innocent! i did nothing wrong! all i said was that NASA would assassinate the president of cuba with a trowl... please leave me alone...
(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...
(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!
(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
(French monologue in the background)

Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
(GORDY ACCENT) the reason i aint answering cause u r fukin pissing me off got the picture good!
(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the (scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.
(In a dark voice) Hello, this is an encrypted message. If you are listening to this, consider yourself lucky. Make sure nobody is in the room with you, this is for your ears only. There's going to be a BOMB that will go off at..._insert time here_ in _insert location here_. You must get out of town, NOW! -breaking up noise- (cheery voice) please leave a message after the beep!
(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
(paranoid person) who is this? is this the government? have they really sent james bond after me? please dont do this, im innocent! i did nothing wrong! all i said was that NASA would assassinate the president of cuba with a trowl... please leave me alone...
(Recorded during a party:) HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB yeah!! we're having a party!! come on over! Mike's not home right now!! Look out! Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. Was that the phone ringing?
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
(spainish accent)"ello...this is Enrique..how may i pleasure you?"
(Spoken in a granny voice)

"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot."

Must be spoken in a drawl.
(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
(Start, low pitch, slow:)Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy...
(Middle, normal:) ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...
(Later, high pitch, fast:) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:) ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleq BEEP
(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment):
I just left home baby I'll be out fer a spell and if you don't leave a message baby you can go to -BEEP-
(Use a strong east Indian accent)

Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...). I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.
Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)

WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ...
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message)
*Im Marilyn Manson voice*
I can't come to the phone right now because I'VE GONE TO HELLLLLLLLL!!!
*normal, light nice voice* But I'll be back later so leave your name, number and message after the beep! Cheeriooo!!
-Phone Rings-

(Noisy pick-up of phone)

Uh...[wisperingly] Hello?

Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answeing machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'fridge where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?
-Ring-
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.

[Husky, Soft female voice is best] Hi,... You've just reached [your name] pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. -BEEP-

You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...
1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
2: (Background:) What are you doing?
1: I'm recording an answering machine message.
2: But we're here right now.
1: But we might not be here later.
2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.
2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
1: And message. Damn.
2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.
A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
1: Room 17, the final frontier.
2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2nd semester mission: to seek out your name and your telephone number.
3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER."
A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel tele- phone solicitors. My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave permission to post it:

"My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card type and date of expiration."

Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless. One guy replied, "Hey, that's good; I'll have to remember it." Once a supervisor of telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of high-powered lawyer."
AAAAAA AAAhH yes that feels good. Yes just like that baby. Could you hold up a minute the phone is ringing. What do you want I'm busy right now and I'll probably be busy for the rest of my life so don't plan on me returning this call. Now back to my very soothing relaxing message. AAAAHH YES BABY JUST LIKE THAT>>>> A LITTLE HARDER.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was: "This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused people.
Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live voice." (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you could try answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?"
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the machine is broken:

(start, low pitch, slow)
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....

(middle, normal)

(later, high pitch, fast)

(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
anthony marissa is calling
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
asdf
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Bridge, Kirk here.
Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.)
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message. Feh!
Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
cheers for the actual article i've recently been on the lookout with regard to this kind of advice on the net for sum time proper now so numerous thanks fdaacdeeakcdggae
City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!
Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?
Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?
Dial a number. "Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to burn down your house, hurry up and take your telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water!"

Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage.
Dial some number at random. Ask: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that his pizza is ready?". Hang up.

Dial the same number again 15 minutes later. In a different voice: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that John called?". Hang up.

Repeat 10 times. On the eleventh: "Hi, this is Kevin. Did I get any messages?"
Dit is de voicemail van Stefan auditor bij Eerland Certification. Spreek duidelijk uw naam en telefoonnummer in, dan bel ik u zo spoedig mogelijk terug. Einde bericht.
Dit is de voicemail van Stefan Ilbrink auditor bij Eerland Certification. Spreek duidelijk uw naam en telefoonnummer in, dan bel ik u zo spoedig mogelijk terug. Einde bericht.
Dododo were sorry were not home
the sun will always shine the phone will always ring
although we are not home we thank you for calling
so please leave a message after the tone and we'll get back to you as soon as we get home. beep.......


"coca cola theme song"
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!
Done in an Italian Accent...

"This is Amanda's cousin Guido... Amanda isn't here right now... Leave a message. If I like it you will be hearing from Amanda. If I don't, you'll be hearing from me."

My father-in-law answered back after a lapse in contact with, "Hey, dis isa yuh pops... how comma you nevah call?"
Done in an Italian Accent...

"This is Amanda's Uncle ... Don Mariani. Leave a message after the tone. If you don't, we will be very insulted, and no one insults the Family and lives to tell about it..."
Enjoyed studying this, very good stuff, regards . A man may learn wisdom even from a foe. by Aristophanes. eegfabedcaca
Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech tele- marketing companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.

One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her answering machine answered. The conversation that fol- lowed was hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows:

[PHONE] *RING*

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message. BEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764- 22222. Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]

My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called again.
Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is discovered, with it going something like this:

caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..."

me: "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.."
Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~
From Halloween this year:

(Ominous electronic background music.)

Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop calling me!!!!!!!!!! You NEVER quit do ya?!!!!!! You're SO annoying!!! Just stop already, you stalker!!!!! Well, I guess I won't come after you with a chainsaw if you leave a message.
Good post made here. One thing I would like to say is that often most professional dianoms consider the Bachelor Degree just as the entry level standard for an online degree. Whilst Associate Diplomas are a great way to get started on, completing the Bachelors starts up many opportunities to various professions, there are numerous online Bachelor Course Programs available via institutions like The University of Phoenix, Intercontinental University Online and Kaplan. Another thing is that many brick and mortar institutions provide Online types of their certifications but generally for a significantly higher amount of money than the institutions that specialize in online qualification plans.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling.
Hallo? Ohh hi how are you?(pause)Yea thats good.I feel sorry for you because this is my answering mashine!I cant belive you fell for this.It's the oldest trick in the book!!!This is (year)you know what to say!
HANS: This is Hans
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: But we are not at home, you know
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
HANS: If you want us to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
Hartland home for lost whores.
Hello (pause) hey watsup (pause) guess wat? (pause) i'm not here right now HAHA i got you! leeve me a message!
Hello (Pause) Who is this(pause) Oh, hey, wuz up? (Pause)(laugh) Don't you feel stupid talking to an answering machine
hello ...hello...(laughing) gotcha sorry we we're not in at the moment, we are currently busy, leave your message and we will call you back, oh and if this is a courtesy call or bill collector sorry we don't return those types of calls. Thanks and have a good day.
hello hello hellllllo wtf is goin on no-ones saying nething o wait a sec this is the answering machine leave a dang message after the tone andd i wont get back tro u peace bill bob jo beeeeep
Hello If your a friend or family member leave a message, if your somebody else you can kiss my (Beep)
Hello this is Martin's refridgerator. I'm afraid Martin is out and his answer machine is on holiday, but if you care to leave a message, please write it on one of those little yellow post-it notes and i will stick it to myself so he will see it when he returns.
Hello you are trying to reach the voice mail box of Mr Riadh on 22 12 56 10. Please leave a message after the beep with your contacts.I will get back to you as soon as I can
hello you have reached (your number)... if you have multiple personality disorder please press 1,2,3 and 4. If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 5 repeatedly. If you are paranoid, please stay on the line, we know who you are and why you are calling. If you have low self esteem, hang up, because nobody wants to talk to you anyway. If you would like to leave a message, please do so after the beep.
Hello you have reached the ????? residents. If you are selling something we probably already have it, dont wont it, or cant afford it. You can now hang up the phone. If you are someone other than a telephone solicitor please leave your name and number after the beep. Thanks
HELLO YOU HAVE REACHED THE DUMP SAD AND SINGLE HOT LINE. IF U ARE DUMP PRESS 1. IF U ARE SAD PRESS 2. IF U ARE SINGLE PRESS 3. IF NOT PLEASE LEAF A SAD SILLY DUMP MESSAGER AFTER THE BEEB ..................... UM WOT IS IT NOW UM UM UM OH YEAR BEEB.
Hello you've reached the home of the world's biggest John Kerry supporter um never mind I meant the world big George Bush supports so if you's leave you name, number, ands a brief messages, I mean don't leave a message. Never mind I call you back, I mean I might not called you back.
Hello! I'm on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT?
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!
Hello(music playing in the backround)Hello... i cant hear you let me turn the music down(turn off the music)got ya just a message
Hello,
Oh hey I was just about to call you well why don't you leave me a message so I can call you thanks bye.
Hello, (your name) summer home. Some are home, some aren't. Leave your message at the tone.
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! John can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
hello, hello, hello? Are you there you're breaking up I can't here you hello? BEEP!
hello, i am currently out of my mind. with all the voices it was just getting to crowded in there. But if you like leave a message and when i check back into my mind i will see if i can pull out your message from all them voices so remember speak loud
Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
Hello, I'm not here. -BEEP-

A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
Hello, this is Lee Iacoca. Today we are soliciting money for the United Negro College Fund, because a mind is a terrible thing... and they should be stopped before they hurt somebody. So please leave your credit card number after the beep. Thank you for your help.
Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done.... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress.
Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"

The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
beeeeeep

Hello, you're caller number nine!
Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth we'll get back to you.
HELLO.
You have rich Marquis restaurant, sorry we can not answer your call right now, but if live your name and brief message we will get back to you shortly .
HELLO.
You have riched Marquis restaurant, sorry we can not answer your call right now, but if live your name and brief message we will get back to you shortly .
Hello. David isn't home now -- this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
hello. i am sorry i am not able to receive your call at this time. if you would please leave a detail message and i will be sure to return your call as soon as possible. thanks, and have a good day.
Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over [loud music cuts in]...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...-BEEP-
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
hello...,hello..., is anyone there oh ya this is an answering machine ...leave a message!!!
hello?
oh hey whats up??
(pause for 5 seconds)
do you want to know something really gay?? people actually talk to other peoples answering machine!! haha isnt that soo incredibly stupid?? oh im sorry you are one of them!! muahaha! leave me a detailed message telling me how much u hate me for makeing you look like an idiot and i'll be sure to get back to ya!!
Hello? [pause long enough for the average person to say a greeting, request to talk to someone, etc.] This is a machine, aren't we all? If you would like to leave a message, then leave a message at the beep. [at this point you could start to talk about other stuff, or go directly to the beep] *[ake a beep noise, with a microwave or something] [pause about 10 seconds] *break out laughing* THATS THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK! What's wrong with you? Here is the real beep.
Hello?? is anyone there? if ur not gunna answer me then dont bother kalling. u little pranksters think i'm dumb but i have caller ID so whoever u are im gunna find out for sure! goooooodbye! ugg people nowadays!
Helloudw - this is just a testing, dont worry about it
Hello[music playing in the backround]Hello... i cant hear you let me turn the music down{turn off the music}got ya just a message
Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in- general: "Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
Hey everyone right now i am obviousely bussy so leave a message after the (beep)
hey there how are you beep
Hey this is Rodger. If you don't know what to do...don't even bother calling me back.
hey wat up this yanni as u can see im not in right now but just leave ur name and # an ima holla
Hey you have reached Jen's cell. If it is the government, I'm not an alien. If it's the police i didnt do it. If its my mom, then YES i changed my underwear. If its a friend leave a message.
hey you've reached shelby sorry she can't answer the phone but she has more important things to do!
Hey!
*Pause*
Whats Up?
[Loud Crash.. possible breaking noise...very messy sounding]
Oh Sh-Ginger! Pogo!~Pet names~ Get out of the Fridge!
[Animal Noise]
I can't believe this...[sounds of phone being put down and person running away]
How in the world did you manage to open the fridge door! How?!?
[little kid picks phone up]
Amber is busy right now, so leave her a message...[giggles] I'm sooo bad! BEEEP!
Hey! This is you know who and I'm you know where so leave me a you know what and Ill get back to you, you know when!!
Hey, I'm trying to avoid being cornered by people I don't like and being tricked by private numbers so leave me a message and if I don't call ya back you'll know why.
Hey. Thanks for calling! But sorry I am not available right now. Just please leave your message and I'll call you later.
heya
i am not at home sooooooo please leave me massage an yours nomber then i will call u back
heya
i am not at home sooooooo please leave me massage and yours nomber then i will call u back
Hi Chuck here leave it at the bep
hi dums rose ann ne msta
hi i m vivek. i m unable to attend your call. please leave your name and number after the beep
Hi its Gerry.Leave a message.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
hi this is nikki hilton i am off shoping right now so leave a name number and a sexi message and i`ll get back to you
hi this is nikki hilton leave a smexi name number and message and i will et back to you
Hi this is {name}. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
Hi U have reached the machine of Amber and Lachelle, we are probley here but to stoned to move so on that note please leave a message after the...
Hi You Have reached --- ---- if your a friend and you have money you owe me. leave your name and number when you hear the tone. If your a bill collecter and I owe you money leave your name and number when you hear the dial tone
Hi you have reached jess and jen. Whipps and chains coorperation, where you will find we have a wide solection of studded hand cuffs for all your bondage needs, please leave your orders after the beep. Have a naughty day
hi you have reached the fat ass residence leave a greasey message name and phone number and will try to get off the couch next time to answer the dame phone
hi you know who youv'e rung leave me a message ,if you dont leave a message then it obviously wasn't important if you do leave a message then it was important and then i might just might call back if i don't call you back then that means your not important to me
Hi you're caller number nine. You just won free Detergent.
Hi you've reached Princess Joanna. I'm either out ruling my kingdom or getting some beauty sleep. Leave a message and my people will call you.
Hi you've reached the Al-Qaida Headquarters. Osama is not in right now because he went out for a night on the town with George W. you can leave your name number and a brief message after the beep and he will run a hijacked bus into your house later.
Hi! You have reached Phil's phone. If you're over 18, then please leave a message after the tone. If you're not over 18, but have your parents permission, then you can also leave a message after the tone. BEEEP
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi! You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the Nineties. You know what to do.
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. -BEEP-
Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.
Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.
hi, i am nimish, how are you? well i am fine.
Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. [Coughing loony laughter.]
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi, Linda is out right now, but when she comes in, we'll tie her down and make her call you back...even though we know that's not your real name.
Hi, this is Chris's house. [pause] yes [pause] uh-huh [pause] tell me something that I don't know -BEEP-
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen.
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hi, you have reached Josh Frey with Stillwater Commercial Services. I'm away from my desk at this time, If you would leave a message after the tone, I will call you back. Thanks and have a good day
Hi, you have reached the answering machine, I am not speaking to my owners right now because they used me. When Iím done being mad at them, Iíll give them your message. If you donít hear back from them soon, that means I deleted your message because you used me too.
Hi, you have reached the Grames, you can't see us right now, but we are flicking you off.
Hi, you've reached Cindy. Leave your name number and the color of your underwear and if a I like it i might just call you back.
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
Hi,dear friends...Sahil is busy at the moment,please leave your message after the beep...thanks for calling...[try to add a lite guitar music throughout the message...nd it would be better if the message is in the voice of a girl]
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hiits Gerry.Leave a message.
How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this:

[Your name] here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you?
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!!
However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors.
I actually did this once when a call came in at an inopportune moment: I picked up the phone, said "Hi, this is Chris. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the tone. -EEEEE-" -- that last being a tone-like sound - and the caller proceeded to leave name, phone number, and message, and hang up. I went back to what I'd been doing.

Before I bought an answering machine, I thought I didn't need one. Then I started thinking up possible messages, and before long I had bought an answering machine just so I could put my messages on it. Here they are. There are plenty of them...
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you...
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
I could not find this site in the Search Engines index
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I do.
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
i dont want anything to do with her
i dont want anything to o with her
I going insane, Who is the one for me?
I had a friend who liked to play with the phones. He got his girlfriend to sound like an operator and make a tape saying:

"I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will you please hang up and let it dial again...[crackle] I'm sorry, the..."

He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it.
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I once answered the phone as follows.

" San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?" After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click. About five minutes later, the phone rang again. This time my roomate answered. It was the same person that had called a few minutes earlier. It turned out that the long delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his next call. He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to call us. I don't think he talked civil to me for a week...
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I taped the operator saying "We're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."
I'm gone.
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
I'm out to lunch in more ways than one, so leave a message and I'll call you back soon!
I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.
I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
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iam not home please leave a message after the tone
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come to the phone right now. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.
If you are a family meber or a very close friend leave a message if you desire. If you're a telemarketer or a bill collector go and jump off of the Sears Tower then and only then will you get what you desire.
If you are calling to collect a bill or a debt or you're trying to sell something or get a donation you have the wrong number. everyone else you can leave a message if you wanna but i won't guarantee that i will call you back.
if your afaid of spirders you have aracphopia. If afrid of closed spaces your have closterphobia. if you afraid of breathing......you have 5 minuits to live. if your araid of leaveing a messeage you just plane caraz
im almost dead right now and that's why I'm not answering my phone write now so leave a message after the beep and OWWW!!! I'll try to get back to you
im [NAME]i cant get to the fone please leave me a message after the tone [BEEP]
Imagine i am not home now, its easy if you try, cant come and pick the phone up ,cause im not home thats why, so leave your name and number and ill get back to you ,hoo ,hoo hoo,hoo. (to the spng Imagine) by john lennon.
In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you please rotate your tele- phone by ninety degrees and try your call again."

A few people even got the joke...
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.

[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]

But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...

[sound effect: dial tone]

Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music {In a soft voice} Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. -BEEP-
it's o.k. take a deep breath, clam down all you have to do is leave a messeage
its drake
Joe's Pool Hall, we stick it to your balls
Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:

"Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually."-BEEP-

My favorite post quake message:

"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."
Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Not me -- leave a message.
Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we usually used during exam time was: {background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now...{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end date) { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }
like totaly like wow like we're not home right now so leave a message at the tone and we'll get back to you when we get home
like totaly like wow like we're not home right now so leave a message at the tone and we'll get back to you when we get home bye bye now
Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?
Message: Hi this is Craig's car phone. Craig's at home now, so you can try calling him there or leave a message after the beep.

Caller's message: Hmmm. Car phone!?! I'll call back later when your out.

-Koris Goudonov
My cell phone has some first words it's im not here right now, my cell phone has some second words it's leave a message after the beep. I sure will check it everyday and if you ask me what i saaaayy, CAUSE MY CELL PHONE HAS A WAY with taking all of my missed calls.
My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message).

[Give it try! -pZ]
My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something like:

"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity."
My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight, waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer. Invariably, they were from the same man, seem- ingly slightly intoxicated, with bar-crowd noises in the back- ground. He wanted to speak to Peggy, whoever that was, and my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy living there, and that he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't believe her, and kept insisting, begging, pleading, etc. to talk to Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just hang up finally.

This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang, my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and quick, and went something like this:

"Hello?"
"Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?"
"No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing the baby."
my name is jason voorhees and im probally not here because i am doing what i do best.....killing....so if you leave your address plus number and i dont care for names..i'll be sure to kill i mean call you
My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemar- keting representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer (suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion. I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort. Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
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Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Nobody is available to answer the phone at this time, please leave a message at the tone
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
OFFENSIVE TO MORMONS. Funny if you've been accosted by elders on bikes.] Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing. We can't come to the phone now because we're out proselytizing heathens, so please leave your name and number.
Ok, One more time...
This is our answering machine...
This is the message on our answering machine...
Ok, This one is actually kind of cool. Download "life's been good to me" by Joe Walsh, and pause the song right before it says "just leave a message, maybe I'll call," and record it! Pretty cool huh!
One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather interesting one: Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMa- MarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P- Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyeby- byyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches}
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS....
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Phone tag
Definition: people playing tag over the phone
Tag your it


I got this answering machine for a fraciton of what it would normally cost it had a slight flaw: evaeL egasseM

to leave a message or not to leave a message that is the question to be answed.

this is you know who.
you know who is not home.
you know what to do after the you know what.

it's o.k.
take a deep breath
all you have to do is leave a message

I was going to leave an intro message but by the time a rembered what it was (beep)

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...
Record your message after the beep tone, please!
Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.

(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine)
roses are red boogers are green please leave your message on the stupid machine
Roses are red, violets are Blue, if you leave a message, I just might get back to you
Roses are red, violets are Blue, if you leave a message, I might get back to you
Sherwood Forest, which deer do you want?
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
sorry i cannot come to this cellular talking device right now, i am currently engaging in other actvity's . but if you leave your name a will shortly reutn your call...beep
sorry i cannot come to this cellular talking device right now, i am currently engaging in other actvity's . but if you leave your name a will shortly reutn your call...[beep]
Squirrels Storehouse,Head Nut Speaking, we are all out gathering at the moment so if you would leave your name and number, we will call you back in the winter
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?
Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.
Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt : Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt : But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt : No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ..wait ..Matt ..what are you doing with that frying pan?!?
-BONK- [really loud thud]
Matt : Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
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Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
Thank you for calling Easy2Pass, Im sorry I am on another call at the moment. Please leave me your name and number and I will return your call immediately. Thank you
Thank you for Calling Repair Systems. We are unavaliable to answer your call, but if you leave a detailed message regarding your problem & a contact number, We will get back to you.
Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...
Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern...
Thank you for calling the Smith Family. This answering service is powered by Microsft Software. If you trust Microsoft, please leave you Name, Number and Time you called. Bill Gates will make sure, that we will call you back.
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.
Thank you, for calling Bridal Beauty Stylist,[upbeat & Professional] we are currently unavaliable, Please leave us a mesage and we will return your call in a timely manner, you are welcome to visit our web site www.bridalbeautystylist.com
Thank you, for calling. have a wonderful day
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain....
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The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.
-----
1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!

1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...

2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message!

1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
The sun is setting in the sky teletubbies say bye bye. Oh dang um this isn't um dang um who is um dang um I'll dang um um I um Bye.
The sun is setting in the sky teletubbies say bye bye.[in a surprised, embarrassed, and fast voice] Oh dang um this isn't um dang um who is um dang um I'll dang um um I um Bye.
The Surgeon General has stated that talking to answering machines is hazardous to your health. So, for your own good, please leave a short message. Thank you and good luck!
These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.
This answering machine has a very short attention span and doesn't always record your whole message so if I don't call you back it's probably because your message was too long and the answering machine didn't pick up your vital information. Sorry
This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)
This is a test of the American Braodcast system [BEEEEP]. If this were not a test, you would have heard [loud scream]. Please leave a message.
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
This is David. Talk to me.
This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
This is not an answering machine it is a thought-recording device. After the beep think about your name, number, and purpose for calling and I will think about calling you back.
this is prinston review calling for john smith
This is the answering machine of Nicholas I am broken so there is no point in leaving a message because he won't get it.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky, or supercilious...}
This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....
This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.
This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.
This is you know who.
We're not you know where right now.
But if you leave your you know what after the beep.
We'll get back to you you know when!!
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
to be used when the forecast calls forlots of rain
Hi you've reached the Wiebe residense,we can't come to the phone right now because we are out putting the finishing touches on the Ark. If you liked to reserve a space , leave your name and number....
or
Hi you've reached the Wiebe residence Im sorry we cannot come to the phone at the moment we are digging a trench around the house so when it rains we'll have a moat[ in an excited voice] How cool is that? If you want to come play in our moat leave your name and number...
Trisha's.....Abortion clinic you rape'em we scrape'em no fetus can beat us....we are not in the office at the moment but feel free to leave a message with your name phone # someone will return your call.....IF THIS IS AN EMERGENCY PRESS 3 IF THIS IS A COMPLAINT DIAL(1800)438-3825 EXT33
(GET-FUCK-ED
Try the following next time the phone rings:

You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there?
Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number.
You: Oh. Sorry.
Caller: No problem... (click)
uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
as you can see we're not at home
uh huh
or else we would've got the phone
uh huh
so leave your message at the tone
uh huh
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep
uh huh
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Voice 1.Oh my god help me!
Vovie 2.Wrong Number,this is the answering machine
Voice 1. O Damn
Voice1: Jamie please answer the phone
Voice2: I'm busy right now Terry
Machine Voice: I'll get it you lazy bums. May I tak a message.
Voice1[the regular person]: You have reached the answering machine of what...who are you....what the no keave me alone I don't............................
Voice2[criminal like voice]: Sorry but I don't think he will be calling you back.
Wasup this is garret i cant answer the phone right now so leave your name and ill get back to you as soon as possible
We can'ts comes to the phone right now- Yesss, we can, but we's hiding, my preciousss! Why lets them know, my preciouss? We don't whant to ssspeak to nasssty fat hobitsses! Gollum! Gollum! What if its not nassty hobitsses? What if its kind Master? We must leave message for kind Master! No, we mustn't! Gollum! Gollum! We's not wanting to hear from nassty creatures! Nots alls the creatures is nassty! Leave usss a message if you isn't nassty! -BEEP-
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
-From Calvin and Hobbes:

(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is [your name] speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)

Make everyone's day a little more surreal.
When you knock on somebody's door and they ask "Who is there?", a good reply is "And who is THERE?"
You have just reached the number you just dialed. I have made some changes in my life. And if I don't call you back you are one of the changes.
You have reached 123-4567 fi you are family or a close friend and you have something good to say leave a message after the beep if you're a telemarketer or a bill collector Go to the golden gate bridge tie one end of a rope to the bridge and the other end to your neck. Then and only then will you get what you desire.
You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
You have reached ???-???? we picked this answering machine up at a garage sell in not so great condition. You can try to leave a brief message if we don't call you back it's because this booyleg answering machine didn't record. Sorry
You have reached the answering service of Aragorn, son of Arathorn; heir of Isildur, son of Elandil; bearer of the sword Anduril, reforged from the shards of Narsil; leader of the company of the One Ring from Moria to Rauros; Strider; Elfstone; Elessar; head of the house of Telcontar... -BEEP-... Hey, I wasn't finished!
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
you have reached the machine of the person that fuckin hates you. never call this phone again unless you want to hear this message again. have a great day loser. bye
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.
You have reached xxx-xxxx, your credit card is now being billed $3 for the first minute and $1 for each additional minute. Please feel free to leave a long message. Thank you.
YOU HAVE REACHED....... I AM SORRY THAT YOU HAVE REACHED MY VOICE MAIL. I AM BUSY GOING UP AND DOWN, SOME TIMES I LIKE TO GO AROUND AND AROUND, MAYBE I'M ON TOP AND SOMETIMES I'M ON BOTTOM, LEAVE A MESSAGE AND I'LL CALL BACK AS SOON AS I'M DONE BRUSHING MY TEETH!
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
You know what I really hate about answering machine messages, they go on for ever and ever. Some people need to learn how to keep it short and simple and just say "No one's home, leave a message," but every one has to get all complicated and say things like "You have reached the answering machine of blah, blah, blah I can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name number and a very brief message after the beep I'll get back to as soon as possible thanks for calling and have a blessed day." You know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna make you a promise, I promise you that as long as you call my house you will not have to listen to a long tiring message ever again. Alright here it goes, here it comes I'm about to let you here my message "Leave a message and I'll call you back." There you go that's my message short and simple so how'd you like it well I'm not gonna hold you so thanks for calling and have a blessed day. Bye Bye now I'll talk to you later I'm gonna go don't let me hold you up. This message was just how I like it short and sweet bye now I'll call you back later............................................................................................[about a ten second wait] oh dang I forgot to hang up mybad but the message was still short I promise that I'll get back to you as soon as possible and you know keep my promises like when I promised you you won't have to listen to a long message ever again when you call my house. Well I'm gonna let you leave your message now Bye bye talk to you later.
You know who you've called and you know what to do!
you reached katie and mateus' home, please leave a message. Thank You
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
You've have reached the Save A Life Foundation. If you would like to make a donation in order to save a life please state the amount of the donation along with your name, number, age, sex, mailing address, e-mail address, credit card supplier and card number, job description, and business address, and we will have someone review your info so that your donation can save a life and we will get back in touch with you to let you know if you've made a difference. Thanks for the donation and have a blessed day.
You've Reached the Number you've dialed, Can't come to the phone right now, Leave a message after the beep.
You've reached the S&M hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.
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[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
[All you Less Than Jake fans will get it...]

Person 1: Hey guys this is Johnny -
Person 2 [interrupting person 1]: Johnny, what are doing?
Person 1: I'm leaving a message Coltrain.
Person 2: What? Did you just call me Coltrain?...Listen Royal, if you think-
Person 1: You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard.
Person 2: Oh yeah?...Right on!!
[Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice] I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!
[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
"hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message..." etc.
[beep, beep, beep] The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here] has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
[boom]
1 what are you doing on the phone?
2 im calling my best friend
1 get off the phone now!
1 im recordig an answering message, so go way!

( glass broke in the background)

2 oops
3 ( mad voice ) Leave a message, and your name, and we will try to get back at you
1 oh yeah at the tone to
2 bye
3 bye
4 bye

(( beep ))
[british accent] Hello, this is the butler. The Smith family can't come to the phone right now because either they are having a cocktail party that you weren't invited to because you'd already be here or they are doing something else that doesn't involve you [snicker]. Cheerio!
[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now--he's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly--some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.
[coca cola theme song]
Dododo were sorry were not home
the sun will always shine the phone will always ring
although we are not home we thank you for calling
so please leave a message after the tone and we'll get back to you as soon as we get home. beep.......
[computer style monotone]

This is Alpha X237YHP4 Model 3300. This is a fail safe model and I assure you nothing can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong gowrogowrogowrwrwrwrwrwrwrwr[after the last part hang up so that they here the regular beep DON'T SAY BEEP]
[Done in a rap]
These cordless phones are really great!
You can leave them anywhere when you're running late.
If you'd like to leave a message after the tone,
We'll call you back when we find the phone.
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!" -BEEP-
[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could."
[In a bored voice] Heaven, God speaking...
[in a pissed off voice] Hello.....What do you want idiot........[in a joking voice]you must be an idiot you're talking to an answering machine. Well now that you know this is an answering machine I think you know what to do after the beep.
[In an Arnold Schwarzeneggar voice]

This is the answering machine of the Terminator he's not in right now but "He'll be back" You will leave your name, number, a brief message, credit card supplier and number, and mailing address after the beep "If you want to live"
[In an evil sadistic laughing type of voice]Ha Ha Ha You've reached Hell this is Satan speaking. Leave your name, number and your mental weakness and I will be sure to corrupt your faith.
[in an Italian mafia-style tone] Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... [aside] HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! [a little laughter...]
[In an Italian mobster's voice]

This is Fat Tony if you were trying to reach Nicholas(or whatever your name is)He is being gutted like a fish at the moment because he had some financial problems. You should very well leave your name,number, and address at the beep so that we can talk about so business. I would very well advise you do so because if I have to hunt you down like a rabbit it won't be pretty for you.
[in cheery voice] Hi! You've reached.... [suddenly get moody and sound put out] ...oh whatever just leave a message.
[in telephone operators voice]This is Viacom message 453216-the number that you are trying to reach is currently out of service please try your call again later-Viacom message 453216.
[Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room"] "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."
[loud whisper] Be vewy, vewy cwiot...I'm hunting wabbits.
[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....
[Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter"] Hi, you've reached Hell. [Screams in the background.] We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.
[Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home"] You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")
[Play Gregorian chants in the background] Hello Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicals of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are in vespers and thus unable to answer your call, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence and returning your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
[radio announcers voice] Hey you're the lucky caller number 53! Rod tell tell 'em what they've won!
[a spokeperson voice] Alright Bob our fifty third caller today wins an all expenses paid trip to Baghdad for four day and three nights, a Hummer2, three AK-47 rifles, and an invite to Osama's house party! A package valued at USD$85,000!
[first voice] Alright thanks Rod! So contestant, give us your name, number, mailing address and credit card number and we'll get right back at cha' within 3-5 days.
[ring ring ring]...[use a different phone like a volume button on a fax machine].. hello hello [annoyed] helloooooo ... ok i guess no ones home... leave a message!
[Seductive voice] Roses Are Red, Poems are Corney, When I hear your voice, Oh baby do I get horny, eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, suck me, fuck me very slowly, I love to feel you penetrate so deep..... [Cheerfull voice with no sence of seduction] PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP
[Seductive voice] Roses Are Red, Poems are Corney, When I hear your voice, Oh baby do I get horny, I love to feel you penetrate so deep..... [Cheerfull voice with no sence of seduction] PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP
[singing like George Kastanza from Seinfeld]

Buuuh-lieve it or not, George isn't at home...Please leave a meeessage at the beep. I must be out ooor I'd answer the phone..wheeere could IIII be? Buh-lieve it or not I'm not home!!
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...leave me a message....etc.
[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
(after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers. please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.)
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]
[Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background] You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.
[Theme music from James Bond:007]

You've reached Estill, Nicholas Estill code name 421-6792. I can't get to the phone right now as I am on a mission to spoil the plans of my arch enemy Larry Holmes to take over the world with 3 billion chinese slaves. Leave your name number and my next mission and I will get back to you if I get this message. [this recording will self destruct in ten seconds 9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1
[Thug voice] Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.
[To scare off annoying liberals] Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to
get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...
[To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana] Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.
[two people in this reording]

Voice 1[a woman's voice]: [sounding sweet and innocent] Hello
Voice 2[a man's voice]: [sounding mad and abusive[this voice is in the background]] Woman who is that
V1: I don't know yet honey
V2: Well ask and make it snappy you have to finish my dinner
V1[talking to the caller]: May I ask who's speaking
V2[butting in again]: Of course who ever it is they called here you can say whatever you want
V1: I can
V2: Of course you can you dumb broad
V1[in a bitchy female type voice]: Alright I wish you would shut your fat ass up and get your lazy ass off of the couch and do some work around here. [toning it down and talking to the caller again] I apologize for that but I got the feeling this is gonna be a long day I can't talk to you right now but I can take your name, number, and a brief nmessage so I can get back to you. Start at the beep.
V2: Woman are you out of your mind talking to me like that I'll kill you
V1: Gotta go here comes the beep
[two people in this reording]

Voice 1[a woman's voice]: [sounding sweet and innocent] Hello
Voice 2[a man's voice]: [sounding mad and abusive[this voice is in the background]] Woman who is that
V1: I don't know yet honey
V2: Well ask and make it snappy you have to finish my dinner
V1[talking to the caller]: May I ask who's speaking
V2[butting in again]: Of course who ever it is they called here you can say whatever you want
V1: I can
V2: Of course you can you dumb broad
V1[in a bitchy female type voice]: Alright I wish you would shut your fat ass up and get your lazy ass off of the couch and do some work around here. [toning it down and talking to the caller again] I apologize for that but I got the feeling this is gonna be a long day I can't talk to you right now but I can take your name, number, and a brief nmessage so I can get back to you. Start at the beep.
V2: Woman are you out of your mind talking to me like that I'll kill you
V1[really fast]: Gotta go here comes the beep
[two people in this reording]

Voice 1[a woman's voice]: [sounding sweet and innocent] Hello
Voice 2[a man's voice]: [sounding mad and abusive[this voice is in the background]] Woman who is that
V1: I don't know yet honey
V2: Well ask and make it snappy you have to finish my dinner
V1[talking to the caller]: May I ask who's speaking
V2[butting in again]: Of course who ever it is they called here you can say whatever you want
V1: I can
V2: Of course you can you dumb broad
V1[in a bitchy female type voice]: Alright I wish you would shut your fat ass up and get your lazy ass off ofbthe couch and do some work around here. [toning it down and talking to the caller again] I apologize for that but I got the feeling this is gonna be a long day I can't talk to you right now but I can take your name, number, and a brief nmessage so I can get back to you. Start at the beep.
V2: Woman are you out of your mind talking to me like that I'll kill you
V1: Gotta go here comes the beep
[two people in this reording]

Voice 1[a woman's voice]: [sounding sweet and innocent] Hello
Voice 2[a man's voice]: [sounding mad and abusive[this voice is in the background]] Woman who is that
V1: I don't know yet honey
V2: Well ask and make it snappy you have to finish my dinner
V1[talking to the caller]: May I ask who's speaking
V2[butting in again]: Of course who ever it is they called here you can say whatever you want
V1: I can
V2: Of course you can you dumb broad
V1[in a bitchy female type voice]: Alright I wish you would shut your fat ass up and get your lazy ass off off the couch and do some work around here. [toning it down and talking to the caller again] I apologize for that but I got the feeling this is gonna be a long day I can't talk to you right now but I can take your name, number, and a brief nmessage so I can get back to you. Start at the beep.
V2: Woman are you out of your mind talking to me like that I'll kill you
V1: Gotta go here comes the beep
[using a voice synthesizer]
Professor Stephen Hawking was not available to make this recording. An actor's voice has been used instead. Please leave your message after the tone.
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
[Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques"] We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back.
[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."
[With an italian accent] Uncle Tino's Pizzeria may I help you....................[caller thinks they dialed the wrong number]{same accent} Oh that's okay but would you like to order something anyway you can try our Supreme Italian Deluxe Topping Hungryman Family of Sixteen Ultimate Package for just 89.95......[wait for an answer] Okay then leave your name, number, and any comments so we can improve our services.

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Copywright [sic] ©1996-2008 by Peter Beckman, AngryOx Industries